thisisalex | (no subject)

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i wanna talk about memes

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The main reason I want to do this meme is because it's in all caps.

GIVE ME THE NAME OF ONE OF MY CHARACTERS (PAST, PRESENT OR PSL!), AND I WILL TELL YOU THREE REASONS WHY IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE TO DATE THEM, HAVE SEX WITH THEM, AND/OR BE IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.

Also I have been out of it as fuck these last couple days and I've been trying to keep up but lol I don't organize my life, so if I seem to have forgotten about a thing I said I'd do or a log we're in, EMAIL ME A REMINDER PLS. BE BOLD. DON'T LET ME FORGET ABOUT YOU.

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Stubby because I already know, but I WANT YOU TO TELL ME ANYWAY.

SEX: lololol Stubby is so awks when it comes to sex, and him KNOWING that he’s going to be awkward makes him EVEN MORE AWKWARD BECAUSE WHAT IF HE BREAKS SOME WEIRD UNSPOKEN RULE OR WHATEVER? And then right afterwards he is going to want to bail. He needs to go be embarrassed somewhere, he needs to have a panic attack, he needs to run away before the other person wakes up and is like, “lol why’d you do [INSERT WORST NIGHTMARE HERE]?? that was weird.” Also, like 90% of the time he’s had sex, he didn’t know the other person AT ALL, so he really didn’t want to have the awkward next morning conversation. It’s really for the best if they aren’t even sure if it happened the next morning. Please forget about it. Go away.

DATING: He is SO VEHEMENTLY AGAINST PDA OMG. We already know that holding hands is too much, you can’t possibly think he’ll allow ANYTHING ELSE could you? Also, he will not make plans more than like a day or two ahead of time and would rather just go, “fuck it, let’s go somewhere right now?” Because if he makes plans ahead of time, that gives him that much time to freak out and think about what could go wrong and there is a chance he’ll just stand you up. And leave the country.

LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP: Okay there are A LOT OF REASONS NOT TO GET IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH STUBBY. One reason is that he needs his alone time. He needs a lot of alone time. The alone time isn’t necessarily good for HIM, because he spends most of that time drinking and thinking about his terrible life and generally spiraling, but he is going to get it. And then he is going to do his best to push you away. He’s really good at that. He’s done it with most of his family and friends, so DON’T THINK IT WON’T HAPPEN TO YOU.

ALSO, he’s super private, so he’s probably not going to be, like, bragging about his awesome partner or even necessarily admitting there’s a relationship there. Which would probably drive a partner CRAZY, LIKE, ARE WE NOT TOGETHER OR ARE YOU TRYING TO PRETEND THAT YOU’RE SINGLE OR WHAT.

And the last reason I’m giving but definitely not the last reason to never get into a relationship with Anxiety King Stubby Boardman is that he’s not really sure how he feels about his sexuality. Okay, he’s still not entirely sure where he falls on the spectrum that is sexuality, but he knows it’s not straight and from a purely objective standpoint, he knows that’s fine! But Stubby hates himself! And he also hates that he feels weird about it because he knows it’s fiiiine, but now it looks like he’s ashamed specifically of his sexuality (and not just himself in general) and it’s JUST A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CIRCLE OH DEAR GOD WATCH HIM SPIRAL. He also knows that at some point he’s probably going to have to, like, address his non-heterosexuality and that is just panic attack-inducing, so, like, maybe he should just stay out of relationships altogether until he dies and then he won’t have to ever address it. Sounds like a plan to him yup.

tbh I love how incompatible Bilius and Stubby are.

RIGHT?

it helps that stubby will kind of just cave to peer pressure. arguing and bantering and trying to keep billy interested in his personality is hard woooork and he is a perpetually exhausted pigeon so ugh he'll just give in and go with it why not

#healthy

And I think a lot of the uncertainty is what keeps Bilius interested despite Stubby doing very little to show he reciprocates. Because he knows it's not disinterest, or else he'd have moved on by now, but it's turned into a fun little game of trying to wear down on him until he gives in. #healthy

So, like, the smallest things like Stubby inviting himself over to eat gummies is 10000x more exciting than it should be because, "HAH, that means he wants to come over (!!!!!) and see me (!!!!!) and is using this as an excuse (!!!!!!!!!!!!)"

CASH MONEY.

WHEN I SAW YOUR JOURNAL NAME I WAS WORRIED YOU WERE GOING TO ASK FOR DOGEY but ca$h I can do no prob bob, no one should ever put up with him.

SEX: Well for one he's got terrible hygiene. Dude, take a shower. For two, he's a selfish cunt and isn't actually all that aware that it might take more than the bare minimum amount of effort for the girl to finish. Like, if you want something out of this interaction, yoooou're gonna need to take lead on that.

DATING: The hygiene thing is going to be an issue for anyone intimately involved in Cash's life, he doesn't feel like making time to shower. So he's gonna be dirty on a date. And also, he ain't fancy. He'll take your ass to McDonald's and call it romance. Which is probably okay, because he'll embarrass the hell out of anyone with any decorum in a fancier setting. He's going to bust out his flask at some point, you can BET YOUR ASS he'll be chain smoking the entire time, and do not try to clean up his language or he will start calling literally everyone a cunt.

LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP: Cash is an officer of the law, a big badass hero, and he will not be even the least bit protective of his lady. Like, he is SUPER GOOD at turning off his emotions in the field, so if he and Kirsty are out in some big bad battle and she's about to get ganked, he'll still do a cost-benefit analysis real quick to see if it's worth throwing himself on that grenade. But it's not just in the field, because he's like if someone was insulting his lady he'd just be like "lol this is fun to watch KICK HIS ASS SEA BASS." He fights no one's battles for them.

HE'S ALSO JUST AN EMOTIONAL FUCKING DIPSHIT. He and Kirsty have been in a relationship with each other for like 7 years and I really highly doubt he has even told her he loves her. They LIVE together and he won't even hold hands because he just won't acknowledge emotions. Like, that last Casty log we did was LITERALLY THE FLUFFIEST THEY HAVE EVER BEEN. And Emma and I have gotten them married with kids and everything. Apparently I just had to MURDER HIS FAMILY TO MAKE HIM ACT MILDLY NICE AND PUT HIS HAND ON HER LEG.

Also he's not terribly loyal. Like, he will always put work before someone else, and if that someone else is doing something that makes him look shitty professionally then LOL FUCK YOU, NOT HIS PROBLEM. Because. I think Cash might be a sociopath.

Kirsty would like to say that yes, he takes showers even if she has to lure him into them with whiskey in the shower. There is no need for him to try and save her she can save her own goddamn ass and if she can't it's so totally her fault because she rushed in a Leroy Jenkins herself in. Which, honestly, is totally what she does. Also like pretty much everything else in their relationship you know Kirsty takes full charge of everything. Just cause...well...she knows him. If he ever, ever, told her he loved her, she would immediately think he was a fake cash. Like no way in fucking hell is that her cash. Which would be kinda funny. Just saying.

Also wtf they totally forehead kisses at that party and they have NEVER done that before. I'm still scared of fluffy Casty and yet am totally into this shit. WHAT HAS HAPPENED?

She so got him into a shower before the funeral. Basically, Kirsty is the only one that even WANTS to deal with him. Her stubborn fucker Foot. Okay. Bye. I'm sleepy.

she laid a trap for him. like a trail of tiny airplane whiskey bottles leading to a bottle of maker's mark in the shower. then she like locks him in the shower and turns the water on like FUCK YOU FUCKER, IF I CAN'T WEAR MY TINY DRESS THEN YOU CAN'T BE GROSS.

and, like, i think the fluffiest they ever got before was that abandoned thread you found where we were like drunk or high as fuck and i think cash put his arm around her and was like K LET'S GO GET SOME COFFEE. that was them married. that was them after two kids. what to heck.

PRETTY MUCH. She tricks him more than once a week because she's just like shit man don't be totally dirty you can't be present day Norman already.

Look, they are slowly getting fluffy in a Casty way which from the outside looks nothing at all fluffy. But their fluffy.

.......

Doge.

No screw u

ok but who's screwing HIM is the real question

headcanon accepted

I COULD NOT POSSIBLY SECOND THIS HARDER IF I WAS A SECONDING MACHINE

i tried to come up with a fun pun but i couldn't

OK FIIIIIINE

SEX: He's almost 101 years old YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE OVER A CENTURY OLD. UNLESS THAT'S, LIKE, YOUR THING? and in that case, he's grumpy and you would have to have very grumpy sex. he would probably write you a letter later criticizing the sex.

DATING: lmao you know he's a dick to waiters. omg and he's so set in his ways that he would only want to go to one of two or three restaurants, where he's gruff with the server and leaves a shitty tip and embarrasses the shit out of his date.

LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP: his way of showing love is BEING GRUMPY and ARGUING WITH YOU and if you were a muggle and only lived to 80 maybe that would be okay, but can you imagine putting up with that shit for a century? DEAR GOD, IT IS EXHAUSTING.

Getting a letter from Elphiss Doge criticizing my sexual prowess is the #1 thing on my bucket list.

Gotta ask for ALLY.

SECONDING THIS.

ok so i started this, got drunk, accidentally closed my browser and lost the comment and now i was like ok time to recreate what i started

but

now i'm too drunk to do that lol whoops

noooooooo

OK TRYING AGAIN

SEX: he's gonna elbow a bitch in the face, lol whoops. and he's got some pointy ass elbows, so he's going to make someone bleed, and THAT'S JUST SO AWKWARD? even worse when the next day you've got a black eye and you have to explain that, oh, no, no one beat me up, I just had sex with seven miles of arms and legs last night and he lost track of where they all were. He's also wants to snuggle afterwards, and possibly literally suffocate you, so if you want to sneak out of there then you have to be fucking SLIPPERY.

DATING: he likes being the center of attention? he would probably take you to a karaoke bar and try to sing along to every song, or dance, or some way to expend ALL OF HIS ENERGY. because he has a lot. like, a LOT. pretty sure in modern day someone would have put him on ADHD medication whether he needed it or not because dear god he can be exhausting, and at the end of the night the date would be like, "ok that was an interesting night, pls go away now buuuuddy."

LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP: out of all my character he is probably the best suited for a long-term relationship. but spending that much time with him sounds just so tiring. so much energy. you'd have to sneak in your quiet time. and he has a bad temper that he tries REALLY HARD to keep in check, and it's fine when he's dealing with his sister because she can handle his temper and she can fight back, but it's bound to be kind of scary the first time you see it. because he's so nice usually! and then all of a sudden OH GOD WHY IS HE YELLING AND DESTROYING THINGS WITH HIS FIST.

also the only thing ever to be on tv would be some kind of sport, but btw ally always picks the losing team. like i think the reason he likes arsenal is because they had a shitty season in 82-83 and fuck you ally, so there would be a lot of YELLING AT THE COACHES ON TV, and probably like ripping of jerseys of his formerly favorite players and shit. ally is mature.

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